Ten Ways To Ensure You Will NEVER Be Admitted To College

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Do you delight in defeat? Are you a "winner" only as defined by Charlie Sheen? Are you applying to college simply to pile more rejection onto your life-long resume of regret?


If so, this post is for you. 


(If you're one of those do-good-ers who actually wants to attend college, you should probably avoid doing anything on this list. It won't do you any favors.) 


How NOT to be admitted to college, after the jump:

1. While in high school, don't do anything. 

Beyond avoiding the obvious goody-two-shoes stuff like going to class and earning good grades, those serious about not attending college should limit their daily activity to eating, sleeping, and watching quality television like The Kardashians, The Bachelor, or anything involving toddlers in or around tiaras. If you aren't going to attend college, you at least want to be well-versed in reality.

2. Eschew the tired traditions of proper grammar and formal correspondence. 
When communicating with the admission office, make it clear that your contributions to the conversation required less effort than a bored sigh. Ignore those pesky red squiggles, use as much shorthand as possible, and never actually type your emails on a computer (come on, who has the time for that?). 
A great example: 

• "Hey its me. I was going 2 send my letters of recombination, but I don't know how to send the letters 2 u. I also wanna know abot financier AIDs." Sent from my iPhone.

3. Completely ignore the directions of the admission committee. 
Rules were meant to be broken, and the committee shouldn't be trying to repress your creative expression. If asked for, say, a personal statement explaining your inability to pass biology after four attempts, instead submit a series of limericks about your favorite foods.

There once was some barbecued steak 

It was really hard to make 

I turned the grill up higher 

And caught it on fire, 

But with some ketchup it still tasted great.

4. Visit the school, but do your level best to convey mind-numbing disinterest while you are there. 
Talking on the cell phone during your tour is a great start, but for those truly dedicated to avoiding a college education, take it a step further by staring dumbly at a wall and mumbling one-word responses during your interview.


5. Don't even think of thinking for yourself. 
There is no such thing as a stupid question. So, instead of taxing your brain cells and risking carpal tunnel by searching the college's website, fire off dozens of emails featuring questions like:

• "What's your school's address?"
• "Can I email you with questions?"
• "Does your school have a website?"
• "Will you let me know if I'm admitted?" 
• "How do I mail my transcripts to you?" 

6. Wait until 25-seconds before the application deadline to submit your application. 
Murphy's law dictates that the server will crash under an army of procrastinators, virtually guaranteeing that you dodge the Bachelor's Degree bullet. Even if your application does go through, you'll be the very last person to be packaged for financial aid, so you won't be able to afford it anyway.


7. If anything about the application process is difficult or confuses you, go mute and give up. 
You you'll never run the risk of being successful if you never try. Like a possum, the admission committee may assume you've died and leave you alone.


8. Lie. Lie a lot. 
In the extra-curricular activities section, assert that you once slew a dragon with a hammer forged from the ashes of a falling star. When the admission committee discovers that you were only referencing your prowess in Skyrim, you'll be off the higher-ed hook.


9. Get inventive with your email address. 
Your_Name@maildomain is so stuffy and boring. Instead, treat your email address like a diary entry. To be especially effective, try combining words that could be used to vividly describe Lindsay Lohan's social life. 


10. Enlist your parents to do everything for you. 
Implying that you're incapable of breathing without parental assistance is a sure-fire way to show the admission committee that you're not ready for college. To ensure the worst possible perception of your maturity, make sure that your parents: 

• Fill out your application (optionally, they may choose to sign it with their own name)
• Make all calls and write all emails to the admission office
• Draft your personal statement
• Ask every question during your interview
• Eventually scream at someone when they you aren't admitted.