Ten Ways To Ensure You Will NEVER Be Admitted To College

http://writing.wikinut.com/img/2188z727cx43bs.l/Rejection-stamp

Do you delight in defeat? Are you a "winner" only as defined by Charlie Sheen? Are you applying to college simply to pile more rejection onto your life-long resume of regret?


If so, this post is for you. 


(If you're one of those do-good-ers who actually wants to attend college, you should probably avoid doing anything on this list. It won't do you any favors.) 


How NOT to be admitted to college, after the jump:

Walk-In Application Day Returns Like a Jedi on 12/2/11

Image from starwars.wikia.com. Property of Lucasfilm Ltd. 

Last year we had five Walk-In Application Days. At the onset I thought I'd be clever and compare each to the nearest major holiday. 


Why holidays? Because WIAD is a long tradition (like Thanksgiving Dinner), stressful (like Black Friday), and fun for the whole family (like Christmas Morning). 


That was fun for the first few, but I rapidly ran out of witty holiday metaphors (and also, incidentally, of the holidays themselves). So this year, rather than resorting to a hackneyed attempt at making a analogy to National Mutt Day on 12/2/11, I'm going to try something new (and equally hackneyed):


Movie Sequels 


And what better sequel to start us off than George Lucas's finest work, Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi?


So, here goes after the jump. 


...Please pardon my nerdiness.

Marymount College is Proud to Announce Our New Ph.D. Program!

It has been an exciting few years at Marymount College. First, we added our dynamic Bachelor Degree programs. Then our soccer program was inducted into the NAIA (National Association of Intercollegiate Athletics). And now, most exciting of all, we are finally offering one of the most competitive, lucrative, and exciting doctorate programs in California!!!

For several years we have been investing large sums of money in a prestigious market research firm with the express intention of learning what the student demographic really wants from their education. We noticed a definite trend: in this economic downturn, students are interested in staying in school as long as humanly possible. Forever, if that's an option.

We've listened to the market, and, due to a very generous grant from the Punchinello-Bettis Foundation, we have developed a program that allows students to: 

• Earn six-figure salaries immediately upon graduation 
• Avoid the troubled job market for years without being unduly stressed by a too-demanding curriculum.
• Study classes as unique, special, and bold as students of the iGeneration consider themselves to be.
• Introduce themselves as "Doctor" and correct every telemarketer and restaurant host they encounter.

Read on after the break to learn about our new Ph.D. program!