Admitted Student Day On March 31st Is Better Than Flying Space Dolphins

If you have zero artistic taste, you can buy this awesome poster here. 

The feeling you get when you open your first college acceptance letter should be bottled. It's kind of like winning the lottery while riding a flying dolphin into a pastel sky of cotton candy clouds. At least, that was what it was like for me.


Sadly, we were unable to bottle the experience of pure joy (apparently Apple already owns the patent and is attempting to make it a standard feature on the iPhone9S), but we were able to channel its essence into our planning for Admitted Student Day this year.


ASD (appearing in shortened form to save me from developing carpal tunnel) is our celebration of your accomplishment. You're proud, we're proud of you, and we're proud to welcome you into our fall class. To reflect all that pride, we've planned an awesome day for you.


Read on for the schedule:

Bored? Go Clubbing!

It is a sad day for me. With a bang in Wisconsin and a whimper in Pittsburgh, football is now officially over and the dreadful spring doldrums are upon us. Thousands and thousands and thousands of basketball and baseball games will be won, lost, and tied before the next touchdown is scored in the fall. Now, like many of you, I will be left to stare despondently at the television and try to dredge up some excitement that my favorite team is a mere fifteen games behind the division leader. Come May, you'll find me alone in a dark room watching the Golf Channel and hyperventilating into an empty Doritos™ bag.

But spring need not be agony, my friends. There is a solution.

Spring Semester is About to Begin! (Orientation Schedule)

Winter is over. 

Our campus will no longer be abandoned to fog, landscapers, and lonely admissions personnel. The locals can pack away the parkas and galoshes that have been so crucial in fending off the frigid 50 degree nights. There will be absolutely no need to check the weather for at least the next 364.2 days, as the divine plague of strange liquid will soon cease falling from the sky. Traffic will lighten considerably, and the Hollywood Elite will no longer have to watch their livelihood take a speedy ride down to PCH on the geographical slip-and-slide upon which they decided to build their palaces.

Rejoice, my So-Cal brethren! Springtime is here!

...Well, academically, at least.

Spring Orientation begins this weekend, and Spring classes begin next Wednesday! Read on for a full schedule!